Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

2006-09-06 - 11:14

I care, so I write

Dear readers, did I oversleep? I must have missed that point in history where the news was more about the news readers and less about the news. You know, those people that are supposed to stand in front of a television camera and read the newspaper [essentially.] Well now CBS has a new Talking Head! Did you hear?!? It's Katie Couric!

Normally I don't pay attention to this stuff, but Katie intrigues me. She rose to the top of the heap with a name like "Katie" for starters; a name I always thought was bestowed upon dogs or the occasional lesbian (hey Katie, long time no see!) Couric proved you can be still be professional, even with a cute little vowel sound at the end of your name (take note, Kathleen.)

Here's what really fascinates me about her: she has the biggest mouth in the business! By that I don't mean loud, I'm talking circumference. It's huge! You know those contests where they do stupid stuff to gain entry into some record book? I'll bet Katie could do that thing where they cram about a hundred cigarettes into her mouth, and she'd win!

Now before you fire up your anger and hit my guestbook, tell me you haven't noticed that too. I know I know, she's all heroic and stuff, what with a dead husband from butt cancer, and she had her butt on TV too (not in the way that I'd like, but that's show biz.) And because it's show biz (and not news gathering apparently), she has to take pipe from smart-asses like me (ass, pipe, get it?)

But seriously, Katie... are your writers so lame they can't even think of an ending for your program? Do you have to enlist the creative talent of your viewership and rip off some free ideas? You can bet your Bentley that Barbara Walters never had to ask for ideas. Be like her!

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