Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

July 23, 2005 - 11:27 a.m.

Dear Cigarettes:
We break up all the time, don�t we? We�ve been off and on for over half my life. If I treated humans the way I treat you guys, I�d never have any friends.
Oh wait, I�ve done that.
You�re always so patient and understanding when I break up with you. You nod in knowing fashion; I�ll be back sooner or later. I always come back. Then we�re fully on again, you�re stinking up the house and my clothes and the car. I start making excuses to be with you and spend money on you. You give me that smoky hit to the back of my throat that I can�t get anywhere else. Before long I�m back to buying cartons so as to never run out.
I�ve been keeping track of the days since our last breakup on my kitchen calendar. We�re up to 28 now. Nicotine gum has been my relief from your influence. The ashtrays are now filled with gum wrappers instead of your butts. The house doesn�t stink and the car�s beginning to smell new again. Son2 has joined me in this endeavor, because I couldn�t do it alone. His habit is not as deeply ingrained as mine is, that was part of my convincing logic to get him to stop too. Son1 hasn�t smoked in three months.
You notice I said �stop� and not �quit.� People never quit smoking cigarettes, they just stop for awhile. That�s the quickie-mart logic I got from the guy who works at the convenience store within walking distance of my house. He�s a professional too, he always knew my brand of cowboy killers and he would automatically get a pack out for me when I came into the store.
I want to make this a permanent change. I had quit for so long, the influence of cigarette smoke had completely left my life, I had forgotten what it was like to have a daily habit. Most of the folks I knew didn�t smoke either. When the shit hit the fan in 2001 I started flirting with you again. I began a start/stop pattern with you for a year. In May of 2003 I was driving home from the end of an era, in a different mindset. I figured at the time that it really wouldn�t matter if I started smoking full-time again. So I did. I try not to think of all the money I�ve wasted on you.
So don�t call, don�t drop by, don�t tempt me.

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