Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

June 12, 2004 - 1:41 a.m.

The big deal

This weekend was a monumental one. This was the first weekend after the Emancipation. When Son1 turned 18 he was legally so. Now at 19 and graduated from High School his emancipation took on new and different form. He is no longer bound by the terms of the Child Custody Agreement; nor am I.

I explained this to him a few days ago. He doesn't have to visit mom on alternate weekends, he's free to visit whenever he pleases. His legal address is now my house. Perhaps this is a bigger deal to me than to him. But I wanted him to know all about it.

It's a big deal to me because it's the end of an era. The hardest part about the whole divorce was not seeing my kids every damn day. There's a momentary cold breeze inside your soul upon waking to an empty house. The sharp hollowness of that empty feel in those early days eight years ago has transformed into a perceptible aching current that lingers when they're gone. The level at which I feel their souls with me in this house is one of the basest emotions the human spirit can define. I feel it more when they're away: the hollowness strikes a resonance within me. Like any persistent droning its relentlessness eventually makes it fade into the background sounds of my mind as I venture forth into whatever choices the day presents.

Knowing that Son1 is living here is a really big deal to me. It's almost as if I have my son back, but he's here in the present day. It's not the 14 year old or the 16 year old version of him. It's the near adult version of him and our interaction has taken on new and different forms. There is still that part I cannot reach, when his mind is clouded with rage and frustration. It reminds me of another time in my life when I dealt with that type of person; it's a foreign thing to me. It's not often that I reach that state of mind. I cannot lose my grip on control when getting angry. It's impossible, I see it coming and I can turn it off. He almost indulges in it, as if blowing up like that feeds a need inside him. My reaction to this is always a calm rational tone, which frustrates him all the more because I won't get pulled into that kind of frenzy. It's tougher over the phone. Unlike other people, I don't hang up on him. That's the easy way out. It also sends out the clarion call: "I'm giving up on you."

I've been told by those that know, that this phase in his life will pass. I'm going to trust them on that.

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