Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

August 16, 2003 - 8:19 p.m.

While you were away

I started smoking.

Sure, I flirted with it a little bit last fall, but I was able to turn it right off. I got through the winter okay, but this spring my world crashed.

Smoking for me is part habit and part self-destructive behavior. If I have a really low opinion of myself and I'm in the midst of crisis, I start lighting them up. It's a form of self-loathing, and also it tends to keep me away from people. I don't want them to know about my terrible secret. I don't tell many people about it, and my confession in this corner is a form of release. A few cartons ago I started thinking about actually quitting. Not stopping. Quitting. It was a scary thought, I mean these guys have been my friends for years and we've only just recently become re-acquainted.

For the past 15 years I've lived the life of a non-smoker. It's a simpler life and I feel lots better about myself when I don't have an ashtray nearby. Plus the house doesn't stink and there isn't a plume of ash formed when I empty the wastebasket. I think of myself in terms of being a non-smoker as well. But damn those things taste good. There's something satisfying about the smoke hitting the back of my throat. Nicotine is a curse.

So the momentary panic set in as I considered giving it up again. I have to gear myself up for these events and I have to be really ready for it. I have to actually start liking myself again, and I've been doing a lot more of that lately too. I'm probably more ready for this than I ever have been, since April. That's when I started buying them on a regular basis. Well, I'd buy them... smoke a few... feel guilty... pour water in the remainder of the pack, and toss them in the trash.

The next day I was drying them out in the toaster oven. That does not smell good, people. It's better than re-lighting butts, but not by much. Can I get an amen from the junkies in the audience?

I started smoking on a full time basis in early May. I really couldn't think of a good reason not to; I wasn't against it and who the hell else cares? You see I have to be the one against it in order for quitting to do any good.

I decided when this carton was empty that I would buy some Nicoderm patches and try again. I tried the Walgreens store brand last spring. They worked well, but I had a hard time getting them to stay stuck. As I outlined above, my heart really wasn't in it at the time. So, I couldn't stay stuck to them.

Nicoderm patches are different. I'm wearing one right now. They're clear, and much smaller too. I haven't had a cigarette since about four o'clock today. It's eight o'clock now... Woo hoo, what progress. I got through the after dinnertime okay, the nicotine was coursing through my bloodstream, satisfying that addiction center in my head. Usually I smoke while I write, must be why my desk area upstairs stinks so much. At least now I don't have to stop to take a drag off a cigarette. That was usually the pause between paragraphs. I'd usually do three in the car on the way to and from work. There were plenty in the evening, and my feet would barely hit the floor in the morning before I was firing off my first one of the day.

All of that nonsense has to stop.

The best part of the nicotine patch though, is the wild and vivid dreams they create! Is it bedtime yet?

the last one -*- the next one