Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

October 14, 2002 - 11:07 p.m.

Baby, it's cold inside

I heard the news today, oh boy.

I live in an old house. The boiler downstairs is original equipment. It's a coal fired boiler that was converted to gas probably sometime after World War Two. It's so primitive it doesn't even have a pump to circulate the hot water, it relies on gravity and convection.

I've been nursing it along since I've lived here. The last two seasons required a visit from the furnace guy, and each time they shake their heads in amazement that such an old relic still functions.

Today the furnace guy told me it's terminal. Flat line. Shut off the gas valve, it's retired. The little bimetallic spring that tells the gas valve that it's okay to open has broken. They stopped making parts for this thing when Elvis was king, way before the comeback tour. The furnace guy told me he can't trick it into working, that would be unsafe. A new gas valve would be a silly investment on a 25% efficient antique boiler. A new boiler is neccesary, and it will cost $5000 to install it.

Shit.

I don't have $5000. The strikers outside my store are making it tough for me to sell quota this month. We're supposed to have weather in the 40's this week. The bank will look at my home equity loan application and my checkstubs and my bureau report and wonder how I've done it up to now. Heck I'm wondering how I've done it up to now!

So I figure I could have a bake sale, or a used book sale, or just whore my body out for tricks. Or move down into my living room and huddle next to the gas log all winter.

Charitable donations accepted.

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