Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

July 23, 2005 - 11:27 a.m.

Dear Cigarettes:
We break up all the time, don’t we? We’ve been off and on for over half my life. If I treated humans the way I treat you guys, I’d never have any friends.
Oh wait, I’ve done that.
You’re always so patient and understanding when I break up with you. You nod in knowing fashion; I’ll be back sooner or later. I always come back. Then we’re fully on again, you’re stinking up the house and my clothes and the car. I start making excuses to be with you and spend money on you. You give me that smoky hit to the back of my throat that I can’t get anywhere else. Before long I’m back to buying cartons so as to never run out.
I’ve been keeping track of the days since our last breakup on my kitchen calendar. We’re up to 28 now. Nicotine gum has been my relief from your influence. The ashtrays are now filled with gum wrappers instead of your butts. The house doesn’t stink and the car’s beginning to smell new again. Son2 has joined me in this endeavor, because I couldn’t do it alone. His habit is not as deeply ingrained as mine is, that was part of my convincing logic to get him to stop too. Son1 hasn’t smoked in three months.
You notice I said “stop” and not “quit.” People never quit smoking cigarettes, they just stop for awhile. That’s the quickie-mart logic I got from the guy who works at the convenience store within walking distance of my house. He’s a professional too, he always knew my brand of cowboy killers and he would automatically get a pack out for me when I came into the store.
I want to make this a permanent change. I had quit for so long, the influence of cigarette smoke had completely left my life, I had forgotten what it was like to have a daily habit. Most of the folks I knew didn’t smoke either. When the shit hit the fan in 2001 I started flirting with you again. I began a start/stop pattern with you for a year. In May of 2003 I was driving home from the end of an era, in a different mindset. I figured at the time that it really wouldn’t matter if I started smoking full-time again. So I did. I try not to think of all the money I’ve wasted on you.
So don’t call, don’t drop by, don’t tempt me.

the last one -*- the next one