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May 24, 2003 - 7:56 p.m.

Patches

Remember that song from 1970 sung by Clarence Carter? This entry isn�t about that.

Hello, my name is John.

Hello, John.

I am a junkie; a nicotine junkie. I�ll carry this damned monkey on my back to my grave. I started smoking when I was 15, because I looked so grown up. Both my parents smoked. Their parents smoked. Generations of excuses.

I quit smoking in 1986, for good I thought. Baby Son1 had bronchial problems and I wasn�t helping. It was easy, I just stopped smoking them. I was clean for years, man.

Then my world turned to shit, ten years later. My soon-to-be ex wife wanted out. She started smoking again. I started by stealing cigarettes out of her car, she smoked those God-awful light menthol things. I had to put cellophane tape on the filter just to get a good hit. That�ll show her.

Then I started buying my own. My favorite, Marlboro Reds� cowboy killers. I always felt if I was going to kill myself I might as well stay in the express lane. I toked �em up on the way to work and on the way back home. I snuck them around the house and before long I was back up to my usual pack a day. My buddies, always with me.

This continued on for about two months. My kids were in on the secret and were pretty good sports about it, but I knew they didn�t like it. So I quit again. It was easy, I just stopped smoking them.

Life is just so much simpler without cigarettes. Back in the day you weren�t treated like such a pariah for smoking them. Now people look at you as if you�re squatting to take a dump on the sidewalk, in front of God and everybody. Well, maybe not, maybe it�s just me.

I started again kids, in early March of this year. I always pick times when the world apparently crashes around me and my belief systems are shattered. This was one of those times. The excuses for starting aren�t important. But damn those things taste good!

My latest attempts to quit involve the use of nicotine gum. It really works; it releases nicotine into your bloodstream and fools your brain into thinking you�re in Flavor Country.

It wasn�t working this time. I�d stop� start chewing the gum, and then buy a pack on my way home from work. I�m continually amazed at the rationalizations I can come up with to smoke just one more. It�s a series of delayed deadlines. When I was out, in true junkie form, I�d re-smoke the butts in the ashtray.

It didn�t help that Son1 got himself a monkey to carry. I�d be doing fine all week chewing that shitty tasting gum and he�d come over on the weekend. I was helping him smoke his cigarettes. He�s doing the God-awful menthol ones, guess where he started stealing his.

This Wednesday he decided he was going to quit and I thought, �Hey! Good idea!� He bought some Walgreens brand nicotine patches. I smoked my last cigarette on the way home from work that night and stopped to get a box of them for me.

Finally, I�ve found a system that works. These round bandages heal a wound opened in my brain by releasing 21 milligrams of nicotine into my bloodstream, 24 hours a day. Again my brain is fooled.

I read all the instructions in the booklet. It even came with a CD of instructions, presumably for the junkies that can�t read. It got tossed in the trash along with the box. The instructions include the usual warnings about rashes and where not to stick them. There was another warning, unexpected to me:

�Wearing the patch at night may result in unusually vivid dreams. If this happens, remove the patch before retiring and apply a fresh one the following day.�

Remove the patch?!? Are you kidding, I live for this stuff! Can I wear two at night? They delivered on their promise, every night has been filled with glorious action packed feature length movies, and I wake up remembering at least one every morning! No sex dreams though, perhaps that was too much to hope for. There�s still tonight though.

The best part is this: no craving for cigarettes, at all. These babies really work. It�s just like the good old simpler days without ashtrays and matches and hurried walks to the Quickie Mart in the cold night. I just don�t want one at all. Even when Son1 is firing off one of his menthol Cancer Sticks, I just don�t care. His promise to quit was a hollow one. I know he�ll quit, just not right now.

They come with a seven day supply and when they�re gone you�re supposed to buy another seven day supply at a reduced dispensing rate. The third week involves a lower dose and then you�re supposed to be free.

I won�t miss the cigarettes, but I�m going to miss those dreams.







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