Whoa! Didja get the numbers off that truck?!?

December 04, 2001 - 6:39 a.m.

Fart Free

I�m clean from stem to stern. It�s a very strange feeling.

I�ve been blessed with a strong family history of cancer. My dad died in September 2000. Colon cancer didn�t kill him, lymphoma did. But I think the colon cancer he did have earlier kinda got the ball rolling. My uncle died from the same stuff when he was still in his forties. So with all that going for me I was finally inspired to get a colon cancer check last year at about this time. I�m having another one done this morning.

The description of the process is more upsetting than experiencing the actual operation. That�s because they give you some really great drugs to make you forget all about it! Better living through chemistry.

I had it done last year, and they found a polyp in there. That�s where cancer forms. They�re little like weeds sprouting in my colon. He showed me a Polaroid of it; it looked like a kernel of corn. I wanted to ask for a copy of the picture, but I was too stoned.

So, to prep for this thing I had to fast yesterday, and then that evening I had to drink a gallon of Colyte. Newt says it tastes like spit. I chilled mine, which is supposed to make the taste better. You have to drink a glassful of this stuff every ten minutes. Thing is when it�s cold like that, you have to watch out for brain freeze. And chilling it just makes it taste less bad.

And then in about an hour you� well you� empty your entire digestive system. Think of a radiator flush people, you get the general idea.

And now I sit with nary a morning fart to start the day.

Wish me luck.

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